Funny Tone of Color

Do you ever hear people tell you to be careful how you say things? I have heard it before, though not necessarily directed at myself. One of my pet pieves is misplaced emphasis. It probably seems silly and not very many people understand when I try to explain, but as an example, "this blanket was made in Mexico, but we got it in New Mexico." Does this bother anyone else? I tried to explain to the speaker at the time that it should be "New Mexico" but that person didn't see the point. Please if you're going to make a point, try to emphisize the right word. I also hate it when people try to sing a song a capella and they get the spacing wrong; like when there is a pause where the music comes in, but the person comes in too soon. Ui ui ui! But that is more of a rhythm issue and not where I intended to take this.
Some people are tone deaf while others are just fine. I like to tell people I am tone sensitive, although not necessarily in terms of music. No matter what you say to me and no matter how well intentioned, it is always your tone of voice that I will react to. I know that seems pretty obvious, but for me it is the equivalent of reading facial expressions. I can not read facial expressions, so you can only imagine how much tones of voice mean to me. That being said, you might think I would have a problem with sarcasm or deadpan humer, but actually I don't. I do have problems when people aren't careful how they respond though.
I am not much bothered by distracted tones. If I feel I actually need something from you right then I will just keep on with my request, otherwise I am likely to drop the issue and come bug you later. Annoied tones are different though. If I come to you and your first response rings of annoyance and I can not immedietly identify what is annoying you, I will assume it is me or something I did at some point and feel bad. The worst one however, is anger. If I come to you, and you have just been having an argument with someone or you have been getting frustrated with something, and your response to me is angry even if it's not at me, I am likely to flinch, back hurridly away and avoid you for the rest of that day. For those of you who are wondering, yes, I am told I was a joy to raise, hehehe.
I won't say that I have not been guilty of any of these a time or two myself, but some people just don't realize and I only wish they would be more careful. Or we could all talk like Ben Stein and I'd be hopelessly lost. lols

Painful Slumber

I, as I believe I have said before, am not a huge fan of sleep. I think I appreciate it more now that I am older, but only at night. Lately I have been feeling like Sleep has become just something else to pass the time or something to do because there is nothing else I can do with my day. I don't know, sleep and I have never had the healthiest of relationships. I don't know if I actually have insomnia because I've never been tested, but It wouldn't surprise me. In any case, I have more or less excepted sleep even if my body has not. One thing I don't think I will ever be able to deal well with though are naps. Now of course the way naps usually work is somewhat like I have previously described sleep. That is to say, most every kid hates them but as they grow older, they learn to appreciate and miss them. Me on the other hand, nothin' doing. I still hate naps with a passion. They are the enomy and I will only admit defeat to them as an unfortunate result of mind-numbing bordom and no one around. Besides generally hating the idea of sleeping in the middle of the day, naps do bad things to my body, and I have known myself to do strange things during them. As far as I know, I am not a sleep walker, and I can not remember anyone ever telling me that I have ever spoken in my sleep. Although I did once laugh out loud in my sleep. Strange things I have done in my sleep though include shutting off an alarm, pulling my headphones from my ears and placing them neatly beside my CD player, and answering the phone. No joke here, I have woken up, phone in hand and someone in midsentence on the other end. I'm not really sure why the phone itself didn't wake me up, since the ring is so loud. The other reason I hate naps--because let's face it, we've all done something strange in our sleep at least once--is that they never feel good. I always hear people talk about how they feel good after a nap or that they feel refreshed. I never have such feelings. Clearly I am doing something wrong. That, or else they know I hate them. (growl) The most naps ever do for me is make me more tired or disoriented. Sometimes when I wake up from one of those unfortunate little devils I am completely disoriented and shaking uncontrolably. and my eyes bother me too. I really hate that feeling. But I think worst of all is when I wake up and hurt. Have you ever gone to sleep fine and then woke up in pain? I don't mean like you slept on your arm or slept on your shoulder wrong and I don't mean like serious pain either, I mean with your body just kind of achy. Eventually it will go away, but I will fall asleep feeling fine, then wake up just aking and feeling like I could use a good massage or something. It's pretty much aweful; I hate naps and they hate me back.

Peeling

I think those who know me well will agree with me when I say that I probably spend far too much time in my own mind. If there is such a thing, yes I do it, and do it often. Largely this from being alone so much, but there are times when I do this amoung company. For example a person will say something to me and I will reply, but only in my mind. I think I've mentioned this before, but words regularly forget to come out of my mouth. All of that to say that I've been thinking a lot about a lot of different things mainly me and how I relate to other people. Do you ever do something that may have been stupid or somehow unwise and then thought to yourself, I should have known better? I often do know better, but that does not always stop me from falling in the soup. Actually I think it's worse knowing better because all the time you are beating yourself up about it. I will think to myself, I shouldn't do this I know I shouldn't do this, and yet I will do it anyway. Perhaps I am insane? So I have this thing; I play it cool, I play it safe and no one touches me. When I was younger I would never ask my friends to come over, nor would I ever ask if I could go over their houses because I was always afraid they would say no. I don't know exactly who taught me to be so fearful, but it is something I am trying to work on and I think part of that is getting rid of some of the influences that I know are reinforcing that fear. But I learned to hide my feelings and let no one know how much something effected me. I play it cool; I play it safe, and no one touches me. At least that was how it was when I was younger. Now I've learned to be more excepting of unfavorable outcomes and thus there is less need to hide my feelings. However there is a downside. I am still not good at expressing some of my emotions and I will not suddenly become better at it after this post. I am still somewhat afraid and my need for self-preservation keeps many things inside where they are safe from judgement and scruteny. Yet I always knew this might get me in trouble some day. Perhaps trouble is not the right word here, but what I mean is, if I keep it safe, I can never be hurt and yet I can never be entirely happy either. If I never extended the invitation to potential friends to come over, they might have interpreted that as my not liking them and I would have lost them. The same, I am sure, is true of many other things as well. As I have said, I know better, but that does not stop me from having to swim through chicken noodle. Yes, I think let's call it chicken noodle. Hee hee, sorry, sometimes I need to be silly. But in all seriousness, giving, in so far as myself is concerned, I struggle with. It is something I am trying to work on though because as much as I would hate to get hurt, I would hate much more to hurt anyone else. So dear friends, I have peeled back part of my shield for you to see inside and hope you will be understanding, and please forgive my silences; they are very often not what you think.

In My Own Little Corner, In My Own Little Mind

Sometimes I think I spend too much time in my mind. Like when someone says something to you and you think you've answered them, but really you forget that your part of the conversation is actually not taking place out loud? I say I don't expect people to be able to read my mind and for the most part I don't, but I do sometimes forget that people need clues to what I am thinking or intending. That being said, I wonder just how much of myself I share with others.
I often find myself thinking how little people know me even sometimes my closest friends. Then I wonder if I should really expect them to know certain things about me, like how there are certain things I do not like to talk about; not because I am ashamed of things, but more so because I do not like fuss. Sometimes when I buy something new like a braselet for example, I don't like to show it off right away, rather I like to keep it to myself while I enjoy the newness of it. Then I'll casually wear it somewhere.
Then I think to myself,does anyone ever notice this stuff about me and if so would anyone even care? Or is it even reasonable for me to expect that someone might notice? It's not exactly something you could ask a person either; "Hey do you ever notice how I act when I get new things,?" So I am at a dead end. On the one hand, it would make sense for my close friends at least to notice these little characteristics about me, but on the other hand the things they don't notice, is it because I don't share enough about myself?
I do try not to talk about myself too much largely because I don't want to feel conceited, but also because I am somewhat insecure and I don't think people care all that much. I suppose that is something like my facial expressions. Sometimes I wonder how much people can read what I am thinking or how I am feeling from my face, but I never get a clear answer whenever I work up enough nerve to actually ask someone. I figure for the most part that people don't pay any attention to my face because there are times I have forgotten my glasses and almost no one ever notices right away.
Although I did once have an aquaintence comment that he liked to watch the expressions on my face. He made this comment while I was listening to a new piece of music he had just mixed. Of course it confuses the issue whenever I remember that. I know there are other ocasions that people have looked at my face and said "you looked mad" or "you looked really excited" or "you smile a lot." Then there are the times when people have said things to indicate that my expression was unreadable.
And then there are those times when nearly everyone gets it wrong; those times when someone thought I looked really tired when I am just bored or pensive, or when someone thought I was looking at them expectantly when really I had spaced out and just happened to be looking in there direction. So it all boils down to can people actually read my facial expressions when I am not merely reacting to something, or do people even pay attention?
Alas, perhaps I am just not socialized enough. So when my friends do something that makes me think you should know better, I'll just have to think to myself that it's too bad no one really knows me. Then of course because I think entirely too much--yes that is possible--I start to thinkhow well do I really know my friends? Do I pay enough attention to notice the little things about them?

But I Probably Should Get Over It

So I am excited and nervous andterrified and cold all at the same time! Whoa, yeah. I am excited because Roomy made banana bread and I have not had this in a very lonnnnnnnnggg time. Not that people don't often make banana bread; in fact, people make it all the time but I can never have any because they always see the need to put nuts in it. I am allergic to nuts, but only the real kind; treenuts they're called. If you don't understand that, what I mean is that peanuts are actually not nuts. They're Legumes and more related to beans. That's what they tell me anyway. But either way I am not allergic to them and that makes me happy because peanut allergies kind of scare me. I'm not really sure yet why I am nervous; maybe I'm putting the wrong name to it. Terrified. I am terrified because I do not like to be alone with so much quiet. Sometimes I will just sit on my bed trying to listen as hard as I can for any unusual sounds so that I can sprint out the window or something. I'm not really sure where I'd go though--that is if I didn't break my leg first. This is why I need a big tough dog to be a better pare of eyes and ears and alert me to any possible danger, in addition to my padlocks and awesome alarm sistem when I live on my own. I especially hate having to run water because I can't hear over it so I tend to try to run it as low as I possibly can. I wish I had friends I could call or ask to stay over when this happens, but I'm always afraid people are busy and I don't want to bother them because I am a wimp and can't stay in my own house alone for long periods of time. I think probably I'd get a shepherd, or maybe a mastiff; something big so I can hide behind him and have him attack strangers. The big cat was just sitting on my bed with me--he's the male. He seems to be very sensitive to emotions and probably can tell that I am a bit freaked out. But I've got the whole weekend to myself and I intend to make the best of it! I'll probably get more freaked out though as the night grows old. No matter how many times this happens I still can't quite get over the feeling, and putting on loud happy music doesn't really help either because again, I can't hear. Well, it's winter here so I'd say it's fairly obvious why I'm cold. Toodles! wish me safety.