Peeling

I think those who know me well will agree with me when I say that I probably spend far too much time in my own mind. If there is such a thing, yes I do it, and do it often. Largely this from being alone so much, but there are times when I do this amoung company. For example a person will say something to me and I will reply, but only in my mind. I think I've mentioned this before, but words regularly forget to come out of my mouth. All of that to say that I've been thinking a lot about a lot of different things mainly me and how I relate to other people. Do you ever do something that may have been stupid or somehow unwise and then thought to yourself, I should have known better? I often do know better, but that does not always stop me from falling in the soup. Actually I think it's worse knowing better because all the time you are beating yourself up about it. I will think to myself, I shouldn't do this I know I shouldn't do this, and yet I will do it anyway. Perhaps I am insane? So I have this thing; I play it cool, I play it safe and no one touches me. When I was younger I would never ask my friends to come over, nor would I ever ask if I could go over their houses because I was always afraid they would say no. I don't know exactly who taught me to be so fearful, but it is something I am trying to work on and I think part of that is getting rid of some of the influences that I know are reinforcing that fear. But I learned to hide my feelings and let no one know how much something effected me. I play it cool; I play it safe, and no one touches me. At least that was how it was when I was younger. Now I've learned to be more excepting of unfavorable outcomes and thus there is less need to hide my feelings. However there is a downside. I am still not good at expressing some of my emotions and I will not suddenly become better at it after this post. I am still somewhat afraid and my need for self-preservation keeps many things inside where they are safe from judgement and scruteny. Yet I always knew this might get me in trouble some day. Perhaps trouble is not the right word here, but what I mean is, if I keep it safe, I can never be hurt and yet I can never be entirely happy either. If I never extended the invitation to potential friends to come over, they might have interpreted that as my not liking them and I would have lost them. The same, I am sure, is true of many other things as well. As I have said, I know better, but that does not stop me from having to swim through chicken noodle. Yes, I think let's call it chicken noodle. Hee hee, sorry, sometimes I need to be silly. But in all seriousness, giving, in so far as myself is concerned, I struggle with. It is something I am trying to work on though because as much as I would hate to get hurt, I would hate much more to hurt anyone else. So dear friends, I have peeled back part of my shield for you to see inside and hope you will be understanding, and please forgive my silences; they are very often not what you think.