In Other People's Lives

I love to spend time in other people's lives. Is that creepy? Of course it is, but I am a writer and therefore a reader and I love to know things about people. For this reason I love finding other people's blogs in which they talk primarily about their everyday lives and experiences of being them. It is like I am there with them, being a kind of invisible part of them.
People and places and events stick with me even when they are fictional. I carry them around with me like so many helium balloons; floating and bobbing along and every so often catching my attention. I love stories, real or fiction, whether I am a physical part of them or not.
So that is what I am doing right now. While the roomies watch their movie in the family room, I am curled up in bed under my little blue blanket reading other people's lives and pushing away the sadness. When I read, books, other people's blogs, facebook and twitter updates, I can forget myself and the sadness that has been so lately pulling at me.
I want to melt away. I want to curl up inside myself until I am strong enough to come back as myself; to push away the sadness and be happy. I will be happy again; for my friends, for myself, and so that when I tell people that I am ok I will really mean it.
Sometimes I think of my future. I don't know how it will be, but I can picture several different scenarios. They usually involve family or friends and always a pet or several. Sometimes my imagination is so vivid that I long for that future self, but mostly I am content not quite knowing where I will be. I am happy enough to be where I am and let my life play out as I make my choices, good ones and bad ones.
As to my poor darling fin, he is still here with me, still not well and the both of us are still awaiting protocol and procedure and for people to decide we are important enough to get back to.
Off to find my happier self. =:

Freak Freak Freak Freak Freak freak freak!

No no no no no, I think Finn is sick! cramberries! My poor little darling Finn has very possiblly picked up something from our internet adventures of late. He has just not been functioning well. It's ok don't worry, This is like glaucoma, a disease but you will not catch it.
It looks like I will have to call up that friend after all, but darn me for thinking him up the other day!
I'll keep you updated. Keep us in your thoughts

I Thought Too Long For A good Title Here

bla bla bla. bla bla bla bla bla! So I really don't feel like doing anything today. Not like can't get out of bed woe is me and life kind of thing, more like I just got bored doing all the things I've been doing for the past few days. It's time for a change!
Ah but alas,what else shall I do? Perhaps I'll actually write today since all the other times I said I would I never actually did.
Well in other news, it looks like my weekend is full. yay finally! I have missed hanging with people.
So long for now, more for you when the muse calls back. =D

*heart*Love of My Life*heart*

I mean of course my darling wonderful Eddie! I have mentioned him before I know, but I'm not sure in how much detail.
So I was going to post something fun and maybe quirky for you from my thought banks, but really I just want to share Eddie with you. I have been trying to find a way to do this almost since I started this blog and now I finally can!
This is just a little peace of happiness from Eddie and I for you. I dis like my voice so I will not sing for you, but here is
Eddie!
Sorry the sound quality is not ideal, I will work on that. Also sorry about my nails; they are way to long and I need to cut them. Anyone who clames to love me wanna buy a pick for me? I will love you forever! Lols actually you really wouldn't need to buy me a pick for me to love you forever.
I am happy enough for your friendship. =D
And now you have heard my wonderful Eddie. Doesn't he just sound so happy!? I hope you enjoyed. There is more where that came from. Well,, lovely dreams all!

Internetting

Things I should probably go do, or be doing now;

1. getting out, or at least off of my bed


2. filling out more job aplications


3. finishing my newist story project


4. laundry


5. cleaning and organizing some of my random stuff

But instead I've been blog walking. Sadly I didn't find anything interesting to follow today. Sorry, I don't mean to say that the blogs I came across weren't interesting at all, they just weren't what I was looking for. At one point I hit about 20 or so in other languages, which is when I decided to stop for the day. So clearly I did not explode lastnight, but I didn't actually sleep right away either. O well, I'm still so excited about fixing up my blog. It certainly takes up time which for now is good because at least I am doing something that might one day prove beneficial to my work. Lest you think I am a lazy slob with minimal tallent and no ambition in life however, I have managed to do a few productive things today. I know it isn't exactly true that cleaning will make will make a person happy, but for me it goes a long way toward motivating me to be productive. I have a bunch of clothes that I can't really do anything with because they need to be hung up and I need to go buy hangers so for now I keep them on the end of my bed. I know, nice right? That way they could fall off and get dirty and or wrinkly. I've been meaning to do something about this like fined a better temp place for them or actually go out and get hangers, but roomy's cat has been using them as a kind of nest, and I have been using him as an excuse not to touch them. He is so happy curled up on my clothes, who am I to disturb him? So today I decided that I needed to go through them and find out which ones need to be bagged for laundry and which ones I just need hangers for. Then I cleaned the floor. I love making surfaces smooth and free of dust and dirt particles and especially stickiness! This kind of makes me sound like a neat freak, but I am not. I really just need things to be in some semblance of order, both for practical reasons and because it feels good to have clenliness. I have been known to let things go for awhile before it drives me nuts and I have to clean clean clean! So anyway, fixing my bed and surrounding area made me think of how much I want a headboard. Yes, someday soon I want a headboard and lots and lots of pillows! Then I can prop myself up when I write or something. Since I sometimes like to get writing done before I go to bed, It makes sense to me to be in bed when I write. Unfortunately I have very undisciplined posture though and with out a headboard I am not comfortable doing much other than laying in strange positions. At some point I ate food, and later I plan on doing laundry and writing some more. And this, my friends and followers, has been my Monday. So now I think I'm gonna go google random stuff and see what comes up. =D

OMGosh Blogging!

Wow, who knew menipulating stuff on a vertual page could be so rewarding! I have been playing around with my blog for the past six almost seven hours now. I have no idea where the time went but I am so so so excited! yes, that much! I feel all techy, though my brother is certainly more advanced than I am at computer and programming stuff, but he would be o so proud of his big sis! So I hope you enjoy the changes; they are mostly minor. Also I really hope it looks alright. And now that it's so late, I think I may sleep ... or watch a movie ... or just explode with happiness. toodles!

Bubbles

Sometimes I am just happy. I am just a little bubble of consentrated bliss and I am helpless to do anything but grin and grin and grin until I am sure my face will fall off. Sometimes I want to hug everyone, sometimes I want to just float lazily away on the clouds.

Painful Slumber

I, as I believe I have said before, am not a huge fan of sleep. I think I appreciate it more now that I am older, but only at night. Lately I have been feeling like Sleep has become just something else to pass the time or something to do because there is nothing else I can do with my day. I don't know, sleep and I have never had the healthiest of relationships. I don't know if I actually have insomnia because I've never been tested, but It wouldn't surprise me. In any case, I have more or less excepted sleep even if my body has not. One thing I don't think I will ever be able to deal well with though are naps. Now of course the way naps usually work is somewhat like I have previously described sleep. That is to say, most every kid hates them but as they grow older, they learn to appreciate and miss them. Me on the other hand, nothin' doing. I still hate naps with a passion. They are the enomy and I will only admit defeat to them as an unfortunate result of mind-numbing bordom and no one around. Besides generally hating the idea of sleeping in the middle of the day, naps do bad things to my body, and I have known myself to do strange things during them. As far as I know, I am not a sleep walker, and I can not remember anyone ever telling me that I have ever spoken in my sleep. Although I did once laugh out loud in my sleep. Strange things I have done in my sleep though include shutting off an alarm, pulling my headphones from my ears and placing them neatly beside my CD player, and answering the phone. No joke here, I have woken up, phone in hand and someone in midsentence on the other end. I'm not really sure why the phone itself didn't wake me up, since the ring is so loud. The other reason I hate naps--because let's face it, we've all done something strange in our sleep at least once--is that they never feel good. I always hear people talk about how they feel good after a nap or that they feel refreshed. I never have such feelings. Clearly I am doing something wrong. That, or else they know I hate them. (growl) The most naps ever do for me is make me more tired or disoriented. Sometimes when I wake up from one of those unfortunate little devils I am completely disoriented and shaking uncontrolably. and my eyes bother me too. I really hate that feeling. But I think worst of all is when I wake up and hurt. Have you ever gone to sleep fine and then woke up in pain? I don't mean like you slept on your arm or slept on your shoulder wrong and I don't mean like serious pain either, I mean with your body just kind of achy. Eventually it will go away, but I will fall asleep feeling fine, then wake up just aking and feeling like I could use a good massage or something. It's pretty much aweful; I hate naps and they hate me back.

All The Bananas!

So I've been finding lots and lots of banana songs or songs that mention bananas and driving roomy crazy singing and playing them all day. Apparently it was a popular song topic once upon a time; hmm, I wonder why. I've been having lots of fun with it and it's kind of become a thing now to find as many as I can. I am not actually counting the bananas in pajamas song because it is the theme song to a show and the rest of them are legitimate songs about bananas. bananas bananas bananas bananas!!! And of course I love bananas. I know quite a few people who do not, but I enjoy them thoroughly. Also I think just in general, I need more novelty songs in my life! My roomies couldn't quite get over how strange some of my music on my ipod is. Although, some of it is quite well known but obscure is fun. So send me your banana songs and we'll see just how many we can collect! Also before I go, just to let everyone who may be curious know, I am doing better now. TTFN!

Peeling

I think those who know me well will agree with me when I say that I probably spend far too much time in my own mind. If there is such a thing, yes I do it, and do it often. Largely this from being alone so much, but there are times when I do this amoung company. For example a person will say something to me and I will reply, but only in my mind. I think I've mentioned this before, but words regularly forget to come out of my mouth. All of that to say that I've been thinking a lot about a lot of different things mainly me and how I relate to other people. Do you ever do something that may have been stupid or somehow unwise and then thought to yourself, I should have known better? I often do know better, but that does not always stop me from falling in the soup. Actually I think it's worse knowing better because all the time you are beating yourself up about it. I will think to myself, I shouldn't do this I know I shouldn't do this, and yet I will do it anyway. Perhaps I am insane? So I have this thing; I play it cool, I play it safe and no one touches me. When I was younger I would never ask my friends to come over, nor would I ever ask if I could go over their houses because I was always afraid they would say no. I don't know exactly who taught me to be so fearful, but it is something I am trying to work on and I think part of that is getting rid of some of the influences that I know are reinforcing that fear. But I learned to hide my feelings and let no one know how much something effected me. I play it cool; I play it safe, and no one touches me. At least that was how it was when I was younger. Now I've learned to be more excepting of unfavorable outcomes and thus there is less need to hide my feelings. However there is a downside. I am still not good at expressing some of my emotions and I will not suddenly become better at it after this post. I am still somewhat afraid and my need for self-preservation keeps many things inside where they are safe from judgement and scruteny. Yet I always knew this might get me in trouble some day. Perhaps trouble is not the right word here, but what I mean is, if I keep it safe, I can never be hurt and yet I can never be entirely happy either. If I never extended the invitation to potential friends to come over, they might have interpreted that as my not liking them and I would have lost them. The same, I am sure, is true of many other things as well. As I have said, I know better, but that does not stop me from having to swim through chicken noodle. Yes, I think let's call it chicken noodle. Hee hee, sorry, sometimes I need to be silly. But in all seriousness, giving, in so far as myself is concerned, I struggle with. It is something I am trying to work on though because as much as I would hate to get hurt, I would hate much more to hurt anyone else. So dear friends, I have peeled back part of my shield for you to see inside and hope you will be understanding, and please forgive my silences; they are very often not what you think.

Much Too Much Taring

So earlier today I was supposed to hang out with a friend of mine who I don't get to see that often, but plans were canseled. I half Expected it to be honest and it is really no one's fault, but my reaction to it is a sure indication that something else is wrong. I tend to be rather honest with myself, if not with very many others as regards my deeper feelings, and I can recognize that when minor things that I can usually brush off bother me in extreme, it means something else is going on. I don't yet know what or why, but something has torne in just the right spot so that all the little minor cuts and scrapes become holes, huge and gaping. I don't like to tell, and I hate to be unhappy, but I feel so vonerable and there's nothing for it but to burrow inside for awhile until the holes are mended. So forgive me my unhappiness tonight, but I think writing it out helps some.